Sunday, 17 November 2013

A New Chapter

I've not been feeling myself for a good year and a large part of that was due to being in a job where I felt unhappy. I felt trapped; on paper there was nothing "wrong" with the job as it was varied and the salary was decent. I almost felt silly for feeling the way I did and ignored that nagging voice telling me to get out and do something else. The thought of another job didn't inspire me in the health field - there was nothing which really got me going and I felt disillusioned with it all. I felt that I would be wasting a degree I slogged and paid for and felt silly for having a second career change yet still feeling dissatisfied. So I stayed where I was. I thought it was just me being ungrateful. I felt ashamed of moaning when others were facing redundancy and tried to focus on all of the positives the job brought me. So I kept it all bottled up and got on with it. But in myself I felt worse and worse.

The past couple of months have forced me to face the situation head on. I stopped exercising, I got fatter by the day, I drank more wine, I cried more for no reason and I was alarmed at how physically and mentally I was heading downhill. The voice screamed "ENOUGH!" I knew I deserved better and I really needed to take charge of my life again as I have always done. It had scared me how I had allowed my situation to control me since I had always considered myself a feisty, go getting gal yet I could barely decide whether to go to a spinning class never mind make a life changing decision.

My husband, sister and friends all listened to me when I needed to talk about it. My fabulous best friend was on hand to guide me and begin a process of talking things through properly - something I've not been accustomed to being a coper. It felt strange and liberating at the same time. I'm learning to be more honest and it feels great. I was desperate for some guidance and kept praying and asking. Along the way I met two women who had resigned from jobs they hated. Deep down I knew they were sent to me to nudge me but I didn't have the courage to do what they done. For me to do that would have been irresponsible.

Day after day I tapped into my intuition. I realised that I was fed up of moulding myself into something I wasn't for an employer. I'm a vibrant, energetic, creative, loud, caring, camp, compassionate and intelligent woman with lots of makeup and funky hair. Yet I was having to contain myself and suppress a lot of who I was and toe the line to suit an organisation. I just wanted to be me and have felt for a long time that being self employed would be the only way forward for me. Since meeting my artist husband I have experimented with more creative pursuits including my writing and a spot of photography. I have also loved upcycling furniture. Being covered in paint and transforming a drab wardrobe into an eye catching beautiful piece has been wonderful and I wanted to turn it into a business. But I was too scared. I had an academic background. I had always lived to think that any career path could only proceed once a relevant qualification was under my belt. I had ignored the idea and passed it off as a silly whim. But it kept nagging at me.

Exploring my creative side
I met two more women who told me that had resigned from jobs they hated without having another job lined up. And they were fine, if not even better off starting a business and going into consultancy on their terms. I was asking for guidance still and thinking nothing was showing up - HELLO!! I eventually woke up and took notice. My gorgeous husband sat with me while we worked out finances together. Yes I could afford to work part time and start a furniture business. It would be really tight but do-able. Too scared. I carried on.

A new lease of life
I felt out of sorts emotionally. One day I would decide to leave, the next I was staying  but considering dropping my hours part time, the next I was looking at other full time but dull jobs. Intuitively I felt I would benefit from a reiki session. After telling the reiki healer about where I was at the time she asked me to pick and angel card. When I turned the card over I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I knew it was time to change when I read this:

Three days later over a text conversation with my sister and my rock, she was brutally honest with me, backed me into a corner so I could no longer hide and forced me to decide what I was going to do. Shit. Enough. I'm going. And I did. I was scared. Two weeks ago I handed in my notice. I took charge of my life. I thought I would panic but in reality I had never felt so calm or so certain. The minute I made the decision I felt that everything would be ok. The next day I had another reiki session. I chose another angel card:

People ask me what was so awful about my job to make me feel that unhappy. There are a few tangible reasons which don't really seem like much and apart from feeling like I couldn't be myself I knew it was more than that and something spiritual. It all made sense yesterday when I read an exerpt from Iyanla Vanzant's book 'Until Today':

" For no reason, you are suddenly unhappy being where you are or what you are doing. Yet for some reason, there is a gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach that where you are no longer serves you. You may even feel bad because you have no logical explanation for it.........When God's grace and blessing have been lifted from a situation, you will no longer be able to stay there. Once you have fulfilled the purpose, once you have grown, learned and gifted all that is required of you, according to God's purpose then grace is lifted. When you are in a good situation, the lifting of grace may make you feel guilty. You may want to stay because you don't have a good reason to leave. Here's a good one: to stay once God has let go of a situation may take you out of grace with God."

As I type I have two pieces of furniture upstairs waiting to be waxed and photographed before they go online in the hope they'll sell. I have no idea how it will all go but what's important is that I'm trying it. I'm following my heart and doing what makes me happy. If it works then awesome and if I fall on my arse then that's cool too - I'll survive. Don't get me wrong; there are days when I'm crippled with self doubt. But equally they are days where I feel inspired and excited more and more. I'm slowly feeling more like myself. I'm laughing not crying anymore and I'm starting a brand new chapter in my life which is authentic and on my terms. I will never ignore that voice again.

Work in progress - just like me
To all of you who have been there for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart - you know who you are.



  1. A very beautiful, inspiring and emotive piece of writing my friend; fortune favours the brave! With much love x

  2. Crikey.. So glad I read your blog today. It was almost like I was reading something from my own life this past few months. Like you I have made some tough decisions. Like you I feel relieved and like a weights lifted. But that's not the best bit.. I feel completely focused!! I know who I am, what my goals are, and most importantly I know where and who I want to be. Its great to hear of another creative person, setting down there feet and saying no more, this is not me. It takes courage.. so well done you. I hope everything turns out as you hope, I am sure it will.. because one brave step always leads to another xx.. thank you for your inspirational blog xx