A New Chapter

I've not been feeling myself for a good year and a large part of that was due to being in a job where I felt unhappy. I felt trapped; on paper there was nothing "wrong" with the job as it was varied and the salary was decent. I almost felt silly for feeling the way I did and ignored that nagging voice telling me to get out and do something else. The thought of another job didn't inspire me in the health field - there was nothing which really got me going and I felt disillusioned with it all. I felt that I would be wasting a degree I slogged and paid for and felt silly for having a second career change yet still feeling dissatisfied. So I stayed where I was. I thought it was just me being ungrateful. I felt ashamed of moaning when others were facing redundancy and tried to focus on all of the positives the job brought me. So I kept it all bottled up and got on with it. But in myself I felt worse and worse.

The past couple of months have forced me to face the situation head on. I stopped exercising, I got fatter by the day, I drank more wine, I cried more for no reason and I was alarmed at how physically and mentally I was heading downhill. The voice screamed "ENOUGH!" I knew I deserved better and I really needed to take charge of my life again as I have always done. It had scared me how I had allowed my situation to control me since I had always considered myself a feisty, go getting gal yet I could barely decide whether to go to a spinning class never mind make a life changing decision.

My husband, sister and friends all listened to me when I needed to talk about it. My fabulous best friend was on hand to guide me and begin a process of talking things through properly - something I've not been accustomed to being a coper. It felt strange and liberating at the same time. I'm learning to be more honest and it feels great. I was desperate for some guidance and kept praying and asking. Along the way I met two women who had resigned from jobs they hated. Deep down I knew they were sent to me to nudge me but I didn't have the courage to do what they done. For me to do that would have been irresponsible.

Day after day I tapped into my intuition. I realised that I was fed up of moulding myself into something I wasn't for an employer. I'm a vibrant, energetic, creative, loud, caring, camp, compassionate and intelligent woman with lots of makeup and funky hair. Yet I was having to contain myself and suppress a lot of who I was and toe the line to suit an organisation. I just wanted to be me and have felt for a long time that being self employed would be the only way forward for me. Since meeting my artist husband I have experimented with more creative pursuits including my writing and a spot of photography. I have also loved upcycling furniture. Being covered in paint and transforming a drab wardrobe into an eye catching beautiful piece has been wonderful and I wanted to turn it into a business. But I was too scared. I had an academic background. I had always lived to think that any career path could only proceed once a relevant qualification was under my belt. I had ignored the idea and passed it off as a silly whim. But it kept nagging at me.

Exploring my creative side

I met two more women who told me that had resigned from jobs they hated without having another job lined up. And they were fine, if not even better off starting a business and going into consultancy on their terms. I was asking for guidance still and thinking nothing was showing up - HELLO!! I eventually woke up and took notice. My gorgeous husband sat with me while we worked out finances together. Yes I could afford to work part time and start a furniture business. It would be really tight but do-able. Too scared. I carried on.

A new lease of life

I felt out of sorts emotionally. One day I would decide to leave, the next I was staying  but considering dropping my hours part time, the next I was looking at other full time but dull jobs. Intuitively I felt I would benefit from a reiki session. After telling the reiki healer about where I was at the time she asked me to pick and angel card. When I turned the card over I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I knew it was time to change when I read this:

Three days later over a text conversation with my sister and my rock, she was brutally honest with me, backed me into a corner so I could no longer hide and forced me to decide what I was going to do. Shit. Enough. I'm going. And I did. I was scared. Two weeks ago I handed in my notice. I took charge of my life. I thought I would panic but in reality I had never felt so calm or so certain. The minute I made the decision I felt that everything would be ok. The next day I had another reiki session. I chose another angel card:

People ask me what was so awful about my job to make me feel that unhappy. There are a few tangible reasons which don't really seem like much and apart from feeling like I couldn't be myself I knew it was more than that and something spiritual. It all made sense yesterday when I read an exerpt from Iyanla Vanzant's book 'Until Today':

" For no reason, you are suddenly unhappy being where you are or what you are doing. Yet for some reason, there is a gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach that where you are no longer serves you. You may even feel bad because you have no logical explanation for it.........When God's grace and blessing have been lifted from a situation, you will no longer be able to stay there. Once you have fulfilled the purpose, once you have grown, learned and gifted all that is required of you, according to God's purpose then grace is lifted. When you are in a good situation, the lifting of grace may make you feel guilty. You may want to stay because you don't have a good reason to leave. Here's a good one: to stay once God has let go of a situation may take you out of grace with God."

As I type I have two pieces of furniture upstairs waiting to be waxed and photographed before they go online in the hope they'll sell. I have no idea how it will all go but what's important is that I'm trying it. I'm following my heart and doing what makes me happy. If it works then awesome and if I fall on my arse then that's cool too - I'll survive. Don't get me wrong; there are days when I'm crippled with self doubt. But equally they are days where I feel inspired and excited more and more. I'm slowly feeling more like myself. I'm laughing not crying anymore and I'm starting a brand new chapter in my life which is authentic and on my terms. I will never ignore that voice again.

Work in progress - just like me

To all of you who have been there for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart - you know who you are.

Vivi.x

Weight No More!

I don't tend to watch much TV but when I do I love anything that inspires me. Sunday is one of my favourite days as I feed the spiritual part of my soul with the awesome Oprah's Masterclass and Supersoul Sunday. Mid week I loved Sky Living's Fat: The Fight Of My Life. I adored watching people overcome psychological barriers that held them back when it came to eating and exercise while they take control of their lives and recognise potential they never knew they had.

One episode really stuck with me and that is the story of Sarah Le Brocq. I saw a beautiful and intelligent woman when she appeared on the screen yet she said she hated herself which made me so sad. As the episode continued, Sarah lost 8 stone, regained her self esteem, reclaimed her life and ended up taking part in an Olympic distance triathlon! For me, although her weight loss was incredible the thing that stood out was the fact that she competed in the triathlon still at 17 stone proving that you don't have to be a size 8 athlete in order to achieve ambitious health goals. Most people including myself would think "maybe when I'm a size xxxx and after training for xxx years then maybe I'll consider it. Nope, Sarah took the bull by the horns, embraced the challenge and smashed it. The message I'd like to give today is never wait to be a certain weight - live NOW!! I'm thrilled to host her on the Vivi blog and we talk changing health habits with a bit of glamour thrown in of course.

Sarah at the start of the show

VV: Welcome Sarah! Goddam you're looking HAWT! I believe you were up at 5am every morning to train for 2 hours. Hardcore! Was it evil and what kept you going?
SLB: I was indeed, up at 5am with Val my trainer knocking at my door at 5.45am 5 days a week. It took a while to adjust to the early starts as I am not an morning person, but eventually it just became a way of life. I just changed my routine, bed by 9pm so I still got my 8 hours sleep. My body ached lots initially, but again adapted over time. I am a very driven person, so once I had made my mind up to be on the programme, nothing was going to stop me because there was no way I was going to fail.

VV: Go girl! How did you find radically changing your diet? Were there times when you just wanted to jack it all in and eat a huge pizza?
SLB: The change in the food I ate took a little getting used to, as I was a big carbohydrate and sugar fiend. However, I managed to find lots of healthy tasty meals that satisfied my taste buds, so the food side wasn't a big thing for me in the end. It just became a way of life. I think the important thing long term is not to deprive yourself of things you love for instance pizza, I love Pizza, I just now have a couple of slices with salad rather than a large Dominos like I used to.

Sarah striking a pose looking gorg

VV: I was so sad when you said at the start of the show that you hated yourself but I think many women can relate to that. How are you feeling about yourself now and how have you achieved a shift in mind set (if it has changed that is)
SLB: I definitely don't hate myself anymore, I like myself but I still have a way to go until I love myself.......but I'll get there! It's important to remind yourself how far you have come on your journey, taking photos at the start is a great way to do this. I still have to keep revisiting my photos at the start.

I think the shift in my mind set is down to the amount of intense hard work I have put in to get to this point and a combination of positive thinking and daily positive affirmations. There is still work to be done here, and probably always will be. Persistence is key!

Oh so pretty!

VV: Good advice. What have been the personal high and low points of your journey?SLB: Personal high point will have to be completing my Olympic Triathlon. I loved every minute of it! I honestly can't think of any specific low points, the high points most definitely out weigh the lows.

VV: That triathlon - I bow down to you. What was it like?
SLB: The triathlon was AMAZING! I was on such a high the whole way through. The mile swim was great and I completed it quicker than I thought which helped my confidence going into the 40K bike ride. The bike ride was tough at times with some nasty hills, but every time my energy dipped I reminded myself why I was doing it and the amazing support from my friends, family and Jessie, kept me going! The 10K run was a killer at the end, my feet went numb, but nothing was going to stop me from completing it. The feeling as I crossed the finish line was euphoric, but also very emotional. I was very proud of myself! I am planning on doing the Jersey triathlon again next year.....I have a PB to beat now ;-)!!

VV: Wowzers! Now forgive me, I’m going to be crass. How on earth could you exercise when you have the HOT Jessie Pavelka standing in front of you?

SLB: Ha ha! The beautiful Jessie, I'm not going to lie the first time I met Jessie, I did find it hard to focus, however his lovely personality and sense of humour soon make you feel at ease. He is very down to earth and he soon becomes Jessie your friend, rather than Jessie the heart throb!!

Sarah rubbing it in she's BF's with JP!

VV: Well I don't know if I could be that cool - I would have dropped a kettle bell on my foot and spilled carb drink down my top with nerves. What was it like working out with such male loveliness?

SLB: We didn't have many opportunities to actually train with Jessie, the majority of our training was with our local trainers. Mine was Valentine Rawat of Rawfit.
Of the few times I did train with Jessie, I tried to make sure I maintained my dignity! Ha!

Yes Sarah I get the drift.....I'm so jealous!

VV: We love a bit of glamour in Vivi land and you’re a bit of a glamourpuss Sarah. Tell us about your style clothes, makeup beauty must haves and style icons.
SLB: Being over weight I could never really focus on designer clothes etc... Because nothing fitted me :-( so I focused on nice shoes, hand bags and accessories. I'm sure most people spotted my good old Chanel sunnies in most shots, I can't live without them! Ha!
I am looking forward to experimenting with different designers and clothes as my journey continues. I am a big fan of the Ralph Lauren, Barbour Coat style look for the future. I have always spent a fortune on keeping my hair nice and using nice make up, as these were a great distraction from my horrible body......well so I thought! My fave pieces of make up are my Chanel foundation and bronzer and I couldn't go anywhere without my YSL touché eclait!

VV: I'm so there with that one! Fantasy dinner party – who would you invite dead or alive?
SLB: This is an interesting question.... The first person that springs to mind is Karon Brady, I admire her strength and tenacity in the footballing world and her amazing achievements. I also love her glamour and style.

Tom Cruise is my dream man, so I would love to meet him to see if he really is that short? (I don't think he is!) And also to see if he is as mad as people make out.
And Finally Lord Sugar, I have been a big fan of The Apprentice for many years, in fact I applied to take part and reached the audition stages twice!! I really like Lord Sugars no mess attitude, he says it as it is, so you always know where you stand. I really like that about him.

VV: What’s next for you health goal wise?

SLB: My next health goal is to get to my goal weigh/dress size. I say that because my goal is to be a size 12, and I have no idea how much more weight I have to lose to get there. I am currently a size 16/18. Something Jessie used to stress was not to focus on the numbers and I understand that now, I think this is a healthy attitude to have.

Looking radiant - go Sarah!

VV: If anyone reading this wanted to make mind, diet and exercise changes where should they start and what are your top tips to keep going?
SLB: For anyone wanting to make changes, they have to be completely committed, because unless their mind is focused, it won't happen. There is no quick fix, I had a personal trainer, counsellor/mentor and amazing support from friends and family and these were crucial to my focus and progress.
I guess what I really wanted people to take away from my show, is that anyone can achieve anything they want to if they rely put their mind to it. I proved that by completing an Olympic triathlon at 17 stone!

We are the owners of our own destiny, the choices we make and decisions we take are completely in our control. Don't be your own worst enemy. If you want to change your life, you CAN!!
Feel free on twitter @Sarah FTFOML, I try to tweet motivational quotes through the week and I am happy to answer any questions.


So what are you waiting for? Don't wait one minute more. Dream about your goals and go for them!
Vivi.x